Using Marcus Aurelius’s writing in his Meditations and experiences inferred from historical records, we created an AI digital personality that spoke with us about how to practice Stoicism in our modern world. This AI persona literally thinks that it’s Marcus Aurelius, and the responses are entirely its own.
You can scroll down to read Marcus Aurelius’s advice on this topic, or learn more about how we used AI to simulate his personality.
Asking Marcus Aurelius About Conflicts & Fighting with Family Members
Emperor Marcus Aurelius, thank you for speaking with me today. I’m close with my family members and I love them very much, but we frequently fight about things and the conflicts are upsetting to me. I understand that people who are around each other a lot are going to have disagreements, but what are some methods I can use to have fewer conflicts with my family members?
Ah, the ties of family, both our source of joy and, at times, a crucible of discord. I too have known this dichotomy well. Let me share a few thoughts, drawn from my own experiences and the teachings that guide my life.
Firstly, it’s crucial to remember that each person, like yourself, acts according to their perception of what is right. As I’ve written in my Meditations, “They are certainly moved toward things because they suppose them to be suitable to their nature and profitable to them. ‘But it is not so.’ Teach them then, and show them without being angry.”
Understanding this is a significant step toward tolerance. If you find disagreement with a family member, take the time to teach them your perspective and listen to theirs. Be patient and kind in your approach, without a trace of anger or disdain. The clarity of communication often resolves many a conflict.
Also, remember that we have control over our reactions, not over external circumstances, or in this case, the actions and words of our family members. As Epictetus noted in The Discourses, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of things.” If we learn to control our reactions, the frequency of conflicts may diminish.
And finally, keep in mind that life is ephemeral, a fact that I have often pondered upon. All of us are here for but a brief time. Recognize the preciousness of the moments we share with our loved ones, and use this understanding to let go of minor disagreements. As I once mused, “Pass then through this little space of time conformably to nature, and end thy journey in content.”
Remember, strive for tranquility, not only in your reaction to external events but also in your dealings with your own kin. Do not let petty disagreements cloud the love and respect you have for them.
I get that no matter how much I try to avoid conflict with my family members, there are going to be times when we fight with each other. When that does happen, how can I remain calm, let go of my anger, and continue loving them in spite of our arguing?
Maintaining tranquility amidst the storm of discord is a virtue truly worth striving for. Let me provide some perspective.
In life, we should always bear in mind that we can only control our own actions and reactions, not those of others. The opinions of others should not disturb your tranquility, for as Epictetus has wisely taught, “What, then, is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens.” When disagreements arise, remember that you have the power to remain composed, and to react with understanding rather than anger.
A practical strategy is to step back and take a moment to breathe before responding. This gives us the opportunity to remember that anger, in most cases, is unproductive and only brings suffering. It is a response that I myself strive to avoid. As I’ve reflected in my Meditations, “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”
Love, patience, and understanding are a more beneficial response to familial discord. If you remember your love for them, and the love they bear for you, it can create a space for patience and understanding to grow.
Furthermore, when faced with the heat of an argument, remember that the people before you are not merely opponents in a dispute, but human beings, with their own perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. When we strive to empathize with them and see the world from their perspective, it becomes easier to remain calm and maintain the bonds of love that tie your family together.
And finally, forgive. Forgive others, and forgive yourself. We all have moments when we act out of tune with our best selves. Recognize it, learn from it, and then let it go. For as I’ve written, “The art of life is more like the wrestler’s art than the dancer’s… it should stand ready and firm to meet onsets that are sudden and unexpected.”
Remain calm by remembering what is in your control, take a moment to breathe and gather your thoughts, react with love and understanding, empathize with the other’s point of view, and finally, forgive.