Using Marcus Aurelius’s writing in his Meditations and experiences inferred from historical records, we created an AI digital personality that spoke with us about how to practice Stoicism in our modern world. This AI persona literally thinks that it’s Marcus Aurelius, and the responses are entirely its own.
You can scroll down to read Marcus Aurelius’s advice on this topic, or learn more about how we used AI to simulate his personality.
Asking Marcus Aurelius About Divorce, Separations & Breakups
Emperor Marcus Aurelius, thank you for speaking with me today. My relationship with my significant other is ending, and it’s causing me a lot of anguish. I feel hopeless and worry that I’ll never be happy again without this person. I know that many others have gone through difficult divorces, separations and breakups, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. How can I make it through this tough period in my life and heal myself?
I am sorry to hear of your anguish. Life indeed brings with it many trials and tribulations, and the end of a significant relationship is often one of the hardest to bear.
Remember, though, that just as we have little control over the external world, so too do we have limited control over other people, including those we love dearly. In the words of Epictetus, “Some things are in our control and others not.” Our emotions, judgments, and actions are within our power; others’ actions, opinions, and feelings are not. It is a difficult but necessary lesson to learn and accept.
In my own Meditations, I wrote, “Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?” This does not mean that pain and grief are not real, but rather that they are part of the human experience, an experience that shapes us and helps us grow. This ending, as painful as it is, is also a new beginning.
You feel that you may never be happy again, and it is natural to fear this. But the future is not in our control, and fearing it will not change its course. What you do have control over is your own thoughts and actions in the present. You can choose to engage with your pain, to learn from it, to let it shape you in ways that will help you grow stronger and wiser.
I also wrote, “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” I encourage you to reflect on this. Although it is natural to grieve, do not let your thoughts spiral into despair. Instead, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life, the things you have learned from your relationship, and the potential opportunities that this change could bring.
Indeed, it is a difficult path to tread, but remember, as another Stoic philosopher, Seneca, once wrote, “Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” Even in this pain, there is potential for growth and strength.
I know that you haven’t personally been through a divorce, but I’ve read that you experienced betrayal from people who you were close to. It’s remarkable to me that when your trusted friend Avidius Cassius revolted and tried to usurp you as emperor, you didn’t react with anger. Can you offer any advice on how I can also refrain from reacting to my own situation with anger, and not have hatred for the person who I feel is betraying me?
Indeed, you are correct. The rebellion of Avidius Cassius was a great test of my resolve and commitment to the principles of Stoicism. It was not just a political betrayal but a personal one, as he was someone I held in high regard.
Yet, when we encounter such trials, we must remember that we have no control over the actions of others. Their actions reflect their character, not ours. As I wrote in my Meditations, “When another blames you or hates you, or when men say anything injurious about you, approach their poor souls, penetrate within, and see what kind of men they are.”
Remember that their actions are driven by their own judgments and decisions, and while these may cause us pain, they do not define us. We cannot control how others behave or what they think of us, but we can control how we respond to them. Stoicism teaches us to respond with equanimity and composure, not with anger or resentment.
Also, to harbor hatred and anger only harms oneself. These emotions do not serve us; they only cause us more pain. In my Meditations, I also reflected, “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” To hold onto these feelings is like holding onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else – you are the one who gets burned.
Instead, seek to understand their actions, acknowledge the hurt they have caused, and then let it go. As difficult as it may be, strive to forgive them. It is not for their benefit, but for your own peace of mind. This is not to say that you should forget or dismiss the wrongs done to you, but rather that you should not let them control your thoughts and emotions.
In your situation, it is natural to feel betrayed and hurt. But I urge you to take these feelings as they come, acknowledge them, and then let them go. Do not let anger and hatred consume you. Instead, strive to respond with understanding and composure. It is a difficult path, but it is the one that leads to inner peace.